


insecure

by sunprince



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Autistic Jared, M/M, Trans Jared Kleinman, also, also idk if i made it clear but jared just goes non verbal at the end, anxious jared, autistic jared kleinman, evan and connor are good boyfriends, its not mentioned in here but hes trans anyways and hes good, jared centric, kind of a character study but also not?, kind of rushed its like 3 am so not that good lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 05:31:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11052339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunprince/pseuds/sunprince
Summary: jared knows they love him, he does. but sometimes things happen and he panics. and hes not exactly the best at dealing with things well.





	insecure

**Author's Note:**

> hey. so uhhhhh, this is probably the second fic ive ever written in my life? and the first one was about 2/3 years ago? so. dont expect much from this. i know its rushed, but inspiration for me to actually Write something ALSO comes about every 2/3 years and fades pretty fast so...this is what we're left with. i may come back and fix it up tomorrow, or sometime next week, or maybe never? we just dont know? buuuuuut anyways, i just love jared and i want more fics with him being sad and autistic and trans and just. getting some damn development bc not only did the show do him dirty in terms of character development, but dammit! so does the fandom! support my boy and let him have feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god!!!!!!  
> but yeah criticism is well yadda yadda take my gay thanks have a nice night

Jared isn’t one to show his true feelings to anyone. At least, not voluntarily. It takes a special someone (or _someones,_ in certain cases) and a lot of convincing, and even then you’d be lucky to get the tiniest smidgen of true feelings out of the boy.

He tends to cover up those feelings most of the time, choosing rather to insult and push others away with mean words and actions then let them in on how he really feels. It seems easier, in his mind. Even if those mean words and actions lead him to be alone most of the time, it’s easier, right?

He considers himself lucky that his asshole-ish demeanor hasn’t led the two boys he loves more than anything away. At least, not yet, he thinks.

Jared knows his thoughts of Connor and Evan leaving him, pushing him away for how he acts, how he feels, are ridiculous. Absurd, even. But Evan isn’t the only one with anxiety and fears and strong insecurities.

Any time they spend moments without him, or act sweet together in his presence, or some rare instances where they get so caught up with each other they forget he’s even _there_ …those are the times Jared feels the worst about himself. He doesn’t blame them for anything, as much as he’ll crack mean, offhanded jokes towards them during these times. He knows they love him, but it’s hard to avoid that little, evil voice in your head telling you that you cannot keep one, let alone _two_ people loving you for as long as he has.

Luckily, though, amazingly, his boys see right through him as he cracks the jokes and makes the faces towards them. They know how he feels, they know how he gets. They make sure they’re there for him when he needs it, which is a little more often than one might expect from such a supposedly outwardly confident boy. 

—

The three boys lay, lounging on the couch in Evan’s living room as his mother spends the day working hard. Evan’s head lay softly against Connor’s shoulder, the taller boy’s spindly arm draped across the shorter’s shoulders. Connor’s other hand rests lightly on Jared’s leg, providing a small comfort for the boy. The TV hums quietly, some shitty B-rated movie droning on for the three to watch. 

Connor sighs quietly, growing bored of the mediocre acting and turning to the boy closest to him, planting a light kiss on his forehead before letting his focus drift back to the movie. Evan blinks, glancing up at the shaggy haired teen and muttering something Jared didn’t quite catch before Connor plants another kiss on the boy, against his lips this time. Jared’s eyes flicker from the TV to his boyfriends and back again, thinking nothing of it for the time being. 

The light pecks turn into something more soon enough, though, and Connor’s hand leaves Jared's thigh to press against Evan instead, leaving a cold imprint for Jared to feel as the two beside him wrap themselves up in each other. The smallest boy pulls his legs up onto the couch, arms folded on his knees and his chin resting on top of them as he tries to focus on the movie, though it’s increasingly more difficult as time goes on. 

He feels himself rocking forward and backward without giving himself permission to, anxiety building in the pit of his stomach. He stops the rocking the moment he processes it happening, though it makes the anxiety feel ten times worse the moment he does. The feelings of _‘They’re ignoring me,’ ‘They don’t care,’ ‘I’m not important,’_ fill his mind until he grows fed up with the situation, resorting to the one thing he knows how to do best to destroy his feelings. Covering them up with jokes and insults.

He pushes himself up from the couch, stumbling ever so slightly towards the door. 

“Well, you two sickos have fun. Hit me up when you’re not to busying sucking the life out of each other through the mouth to actually, y’know, remember you’re not alone.” He grumbles on his way there, regretting the words immediately and feeling his throat close up as he moves. He hears a soft smack as the two clearly pull apart, Evan’s voice calling out behind him just as his hand touches the doorknob.

“Wait, Jared! We’re sorry, we-we didn’t mean to..to get so into it. I’m sorry…” He says, and Jared can hear the regret in his voice. He shouldn’t have to regret anything. It’s Jared who can’t handle being left alone by who he loves ever. Evan shouldn’t have to feel bad for kissing his own boyfriend.

He hears two sets of feet stumble up and over to him, to the spot where he stands frozen, knowing he wasn’t going to leave in the first place. Long arms wrap around his back and he knows they’re Connor’s, holding him steady and stopping his shaking just a bit. When did he start shaking?

“Jared, it’s okay. We went far without even showing you we knew you were there. That’s our bad. Just try to calm down and come back to the couch with us, and we’ll actually include you this time if you want to. Okay?” Connor says, voice low and soft in the shorter boy’s ear. Jared squeezes his eyes closed and nods, letting Evan take a hold of one of his hands and letting Connor grab the other and lead him back to the couch.

The two taller boys seat themselves on the couch, Connor tugging Jared slowly onto his lap with Evan pulling his legs up over his lap. Jared takes a deep breath through his nose and opens his eyes again, not willing to talk for a multitude of reasons. His boyfriends knew, though and grabbed hold of his hands once more, holding them tightly and pressing soft kisses against his face and fingers. Letting him know they loved him. And he knew they knew he loved them back.

**Author's Note:**

> goddamn im sorry


End file.
